Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
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Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
hmmm
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
gm