@myles_morrison: Any girl who says she's not the jealous type will change her tune when another girl phones you drunk at 3am.
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@inojperez: "It's our third date and you still wear that shirt?" Honey, this all they have in prison.
@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: Tell me a scary story! Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions. 4: Why?
@jwoodham: Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.