This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
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When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…