[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
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friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed