“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
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[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB: