Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
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Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown