@SamGrittner: Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
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@LoveNLunchmeat: You'd be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
@david8hughes: [at the pet store] Me: I'd like a baby lizard please [later at home] Me: isn't he cute? Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
@Elizasoul80: Person I tried to rob describing me to the police: "long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn't seem very committed to it."