Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
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We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
I self medicate, therefore you live.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Is this a threat?
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.