any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
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Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Finally!
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
“no gods no masters” = leo
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?