[any medication commercial]
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Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
The legends speak of a third Duran…
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese