If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
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Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.