Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
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How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.