Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
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Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”