Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
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I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
I cannot stop laughing at this
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.