Yoga Matt
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Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.