Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
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‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Brilliant!
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
no
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?