Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
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If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.