ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
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This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall