“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
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Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
remember
only for emergencies
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free