Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
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[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
technically true but not a great slogan
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.