“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
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BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut