Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
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I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
This classic never gets old . . .
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”