Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
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Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
we’re gonna need another temp
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.