@DirtMcTurd: Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
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@Shock_Monster: If I were God, I'd totally be cool with you using my name in vain. Feel free to say, "Oh John" next time you're cumming ladies.
@XplodingUnicorn: My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk. Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
@AnkCoupleTO: [police lineup] Cop: Do you see the guy who ate your plants? Me: Nope Cop: *waving leaf* Wildebeest step forward? WB: *drooling* Goddamnit