@DirtMcTurd: Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
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@AlexRogaski: [Science Meeting, 1924] Why don't we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It's not like they'll ever really check "Let's do it"
@iamspacegirl: [Biblical Times] God: oh shit Angel: what? God: I just realized I've been leaning on the frog button.
@hazelmotes1: Inspirational Tweet: The journey of 1,000 miles begins with "daaaaad I have to peeeeee"
@DiamondLou69: It's amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.