Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
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I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Every work meeting this week
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks