Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
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If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Is your wife single?
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence