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Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
The best plant holders?
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af