Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
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It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
I can’t stop watching this.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider