Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
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Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Cha-ching is my safe word
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
bro what is going on at twitter
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!