Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
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These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle