Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
You Might Also Like
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Oh my God.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?