@LilMoose77: Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
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@_ElvishPresley_: Me: I'm sort of a chicken magnet Him: Don't you mean chick magn- *sounds of distant bawk-bawking* Me: We have to go NOW
@tnylgn: I'm not afraid to die, I'm afraid my friends will give me the funeral I told them I wanted when I was drunk.
@bigmacher: Me: "Hey towel, you're looking good. What u doing later?" Wife: That's not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.