Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
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I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?