Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
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There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Is your wife single?
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.