Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
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I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
at ease…shoulder.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this