“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
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I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Yes my dude
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine