“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
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Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Pot warmers of the day.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
How to find Kentucky on a map
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.