[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
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Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.