Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
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They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
grotesque if literal: baby food
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.