Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
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The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.