Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
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Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Who says great literature is dead?
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
asking santa clause for nudes
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.