*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
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Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Buying a well is money well spent.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Super Hand Dog Face
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.