Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
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It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*