Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
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Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited