Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
You Might Also Like
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
23. the denim jacket
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??