Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
You Might Also Like
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Finally! 😈
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?