Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
You Might Also Like
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.