infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
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[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
the short answer to this question
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Everything reminds me of my ex
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
yeah not falling for this one
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point