Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
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I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.