HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
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how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro