Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
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Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.